A Few Reminders
By mommy of many™. Filed in attitude, children, encouragement, faith, family life, frustrating, kids, mom |
First off, I want to say Congrats to Anna and Maddi and their volleyball team for taking home the championship today! Whoo Hoo! Awesome job girls!
I had a really great day! I got to have a very nice luncheon with some ladies from Clay’s last squadron. Unfortunately it was a farewell for one of the ladies and I will miss her, but it was so nice to get together and enjoy visiting.
Then I was able to get some work done, get the Costco shopping done and go to an evening Mass. Gabi caught whatever Maddi had, so she was sick this morning when everyone left for church, so I stayed behind to cuddle her and make sure that her germs didn’t spread to an entire congregation. BUT, when I was in Costco, I witnessed some really scary parenting practices. A family was shopping with their 4, young children and the dad kept saying things like, “shut-up” or “Boy, you better sit down or you’ll be sorry”. Granted, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad, typed out here, but the attitude behind it was a little bit shocking and the kids weren’t being mouthy or loud. I know that I’ve told my kids to sit down in the cart or said that they “better” do what they are told, but the body language just scared me. At one point he shoved his daughter down in to the cart. The mom was there, but just stood quietly by. I fought the urge to say something less than kind to the dad. Instead I took a deep breath, and I mean a REALLY deep breath and decided that my scolding would only make life worse for the family when they left the store. Undoubtedly he would have felt embarrassed and would have blamed the kids for being so bad that they drew attention to themselves etc. And, I didn’t have ANY kids with me, so I would have appeared to be one of those people that just didn’t understand how parenting 4 children needed to be done. Again with the big breath. Every so often, I am caught by surprise at what people find acceptable. So, I guess I’m asking if any of you would have said anything, or if you would have done what I did, which was follow at a safe distance and offer a few prayers for peace in their family. It was a reminder that we are responsible for our actions and that people are watching. Plus, it reminded me of the fragile nature of children. They test the limits, but we are called to KINDLY, yet FIRMLY guide them. Reminders are good!
Good night~
Monday, November 19th 2007 at 3:39 pm |
Unfortunately, your instints were probably correct, and if he was acting that way in Costco, imagine how he treats his children behind closed doors. I’ve been in the position myself and stayed quiet. I would also worry about the consequences to the children when they left. Of course, if he did something that crossed the line from horrible parenting to abusive/illegal I would report it but probably still not confront him. I found this response when I googled the question:
So what do you do if you’re in a situation like this, and you witness child abuse, or sense that child abuse is about to occur? There are several different choices.
Friends Of Child Abuse Prevention recommend that you avoid shooting the parent angry looks or making negative remarks. This will only upset the parent more, and make things worse for the child!
Instead, try to strike up a positive conversation with the parent. You could tell the parent that your own child often acted out in public also, so you know how they’re feeling. Or, compliment her on the child’s looks, clothing, hair, etc.
If the child is misbehaving, try stopping the misbehavior by striking up a conversation with the child himself! This will give the parent a minute to calm down!
Praise both the child and the parent for something… anything! If the parent has fruit in their shopping cart, you could comment on how great it is that the parent buys healthy things for the child! Anything, to get the parent in a more positive state of mind!
If you’re still at loss for what to do, Dr. Phil has some words of wisdom to share as well!
If the parent is actually hurting the child that very minute, you may have to act immediately, instead of simply trying to engage the parent and child in conversation! Still, don’t try to physically confront the parent. Alert a manager or security guard to come handle the situation. If you cannot find a manager or security guard, or there is nobody available (such as at a playground, which most likely wouldn’t be staffed by managers or security guards!) call 9-1-1.
In case the parent and child leave before help arrives, get a physical description of the parent and child. If you can, get the license plate number of their car. Then you can give this information to the police or your local social services office.
Tuesday, November 20th 2007 at 2:42 pm |
Wow Jen. I think that you spoke about such a situation rather beautifully. It amazes me at times when I see this type of “parenting”. I know I do not have children, but you are right, they have such a fragile nature. As children what they are shown stays with them, whether they choose to behave the same way as they grow is left to be seen, but they deserve to be “KINDLY,yet FIRMLY” guided as do all of us in times of growth. I love that you thought this out instead of just going off instinct and speaking your mind because you’re right, there is a very good chance that the family would have suffered. I love you! May we be reminded that all families, need prayers for Peace as no family really has it “easy”.
I love you so much and I am so thankful this site is here for us to all come together and share life stories and ideas with each other.
xoxoxo
Friday, November 23rd 2007 at 3:01 am |
Wow, Jennifer! What a difficult position to be placed in! On the one hand you would like to avoid, to the extent possible, not making things even worse for the kids and on the other hand you would like to say something! It sounds like the father was in no mood to chat with a stranger (not even about the nice fruit in his cart). So, I believe you were right in not addressing him. However, perhaps you could have “broken the ice” with his wife by, for example, complimenting her children’s cute outfits (and then segueing into how you dress your smaller children). If the wife received your “ice breaker” well, then you might have had a chance to get a bit more personal and shared with her that you too have faced numerous challenges in raising a family and that you and Clay would, in an informal setting, be quite willing to swap child raising experiences with the wife and her husband at a later date. (You would have to be careful that she did not get the idea that she and her husband were going to be sat down and lectured to. Rather, you would want to sincerely come across as one willing to both teach and learn.)
So, Jennifer, after having had the LUXURY of SEVERAL days to CONTEMPLATE this matter, I think you should have said something. While in so doing there was the risk of having the father after wards deal with his children unfairly, by saying something you also presented the family with opportunities to improve their parenting skills (which one would hope and pray they desired to do),
In my judgment, when we are presented with such situations as you experienced, it is imperative that we be willing to risk short term harm if there is a chance that we could be an agent for much long term good.
Love,
Joe