Something I’ve Learned

I am now on my 5th teenager. I have one kiddo that is through the teens and onto the 20’s and 4 who are solidly in the teen years. And the #1 thing I’ve learned about teens is that you can not…let me repeat…can not make a teen do something they have decided not to do. Sure, you can deliver consequences for their actions or lack there of, but if they’ve decided not to come off the roof because they are angry at you, you can not MAKE them come down. Yes, you could climb onto the roof and push them off or drag them down, but I don’t recommend that. If they’ve decided they aren’t going to get out of bed and go to school, you can not, in fact, MAKE them get out of bed, get dressed and go to school. You CAN drag them out of bed, try your darndest to dress them yourself and force them into the car, lock the door and speed out of the driveway. But along the way, if there’s a stop sign…they can jump out. I think you get what I’m saying.

As I look back on being a teen myself, I shouldn’t be surprised by having learned this lesson. I distinctly remember standing in my parent’s kitchen and having the thought, “they can’t actually MAKE me do anything. They can yell at me. They can ground me. They can fine me or refuse to take me somewhere. Heck, they can kill me. But I still won’t have done the dishes”. Dang! Knowing that I thought that way, I shouldn’t be surprised at the stubbornness I sometimes encounter in my teens.

What you CAN do…wait it out. If they’re on the roof and it’s going to get cold and dark, they will come down…especially if you aren’t demanding that they come down. If they won’t get out of bed for school, take the phones, turn off the internet and go about your day. I’m serious! The less attention you give to the behavior the quicker it disappears. Of course, if it becomes chronic then intervention will be needed, but I’m talking about the occasional defiant action. You don’t want your teen to become a truant or to live on the roof and if the dishes aren’t getting done at all, then, yes, something besides ignoring their defiance needs to be done. I’ve found that if I just let them have their strong-willed outburst and then say “no” to the next couple of things they ask to do, it gets the message across.

Bottom line…teens can be tough! Even the very best, most studious and polite kiddos can decide to rear their defiant heads. I’m encouraging you, as the parent of a teen, to take a deep breath, silently decide what the consequence will be, let them finish their defiance and then deliver the consequence. I’ve found it saves a lot of yelling.

Have a great day~