A Mommy of Many Rant

It’s been a hell of a week.

Through out this years-long process of separation and divorce I’ve been pretty quiet about all I go through. I’ve tried hard (and succeeded) at finding the positive in each day and staying focused on what’s most important (keeping my kids safe, stable and feeling as “normal” as possible). But some days/weeks it’s REALLY hard to have any coherent thoughts at all. I keep getting the rug pulled out from under me. Every single time I rely on the information I’ve been given or settle into feeling secure about what’s been agreed upon, it all changes. It messes with me! I go from being a positive, strong, focused M.O.M. to a mush-brained, semi-frantic, mess. I just want to be able to count on what I’m supposed to know!

Now I’m in a situation where I stand to lose my house and face the real struggle of feeding my kids and where the routine everyone has fallen into is being threatened to be turned upside down.

I don’t have time or energy for being messed with! And honestly, I end up going quiet when it gets like this, because it takes energy just to speak about it.

I know God has a plan. I KNOW and BELIEVE it. I’ve been shown time and time again that it’s going to be ok. But being human, I get all low and scared and my thoughts turn to gloom and doom. It messes with everything! My podcast has suffered, my blogging goes silent and I forget how strong and worthy I am.

Ick!

Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I hold it together while raising these kiddos and making darn sure there’s food and shelter and transportation and meeting with teachers and keeping tabs on what Max needs and pushing forward with getting all that will help him. I cook, clean, do the laundry, fix hair, bathe kiddos (often with the help of Maddi and Anna), support their sports, meet the neighbors and school families, go on field trips, take them to bday parties…

Could I catch a break?! All I’m asking is for a plan that’s agreed upon and upheld. Is that really too much to ask for?!

Ok. I’ll stop ranting. But I thought that maybe, just maybe if I opened this door and let it spill out that the feeling of holding my breath while smiling would leave me.

Doing the Dance of the Children…No Matter What!

This entry was posted on October 16, 2011 at 12:56 am and is filed under change, children, family life, frustrating, kids, mom. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.