Tags: children, Good Stuff, grown children, kids, M.O.M.com, mom, Mommy of Many
When people talk about and think about broken hearts, they are usually talking about relationships. There are countless songs, pieces of poetry, books and movies on the subject. But how often do we look at the love a parent has for a child and talk about broken hearts?
A Mommy heart (or a Daddy heart, for that matter) is completely and totally wrapped up in their child. When your little one is born, the world changes in a million ways and you love in a way that you didn’t even know existed. It stretches your limits of loving and you become a more whole human being. But…that perfect little baby (no matter what numbers we’re talking) grows and grows and changes and becomes their very own person. They go off and see the world (in some of my children’s cases, quite literally). They make choices and get fabulous educations and have experiences that you can’t even imagine (I’m talking about the GOOD experiences). It’s all a part of the process of raising men and women. They GO and they DO and it’s beautiful and the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. But it doesn’t mean you don’t miss them. It doesn’t mean that you have closure.
I’m feeling all of this in a very real way tonight.
Some of you have heard (or read) me gushing about the pride I feel for my oldest son. He brings a balance to my home and a richness that isn’t here when he’s away. His younger brothers glean so much from his example and he does an amazing job of teaching and guiding them. I truly adore him. He came out for the summer from his school, in Wyoming, to work and to visit. The plan was to see him a couple weekends a month and then he’d be back on the road to school. But things haven’t worked out that way and he’s heading back to work for the summer in Wyoming.
You may wonder why I feel the way I do. I’ll give you a little background;
JJ (Clayton to most of the rest of the world) left home at 14 years old. He went away to a Catholic boys’ boarding school in Pennsylvania. It was a decision that came after much consideration and a zillion trials. He had heard of the school through meeting boys and dads that were affiliated with the school, in summertime Father-Son retreats. He was intrigued and thought it would be a good fit. I was against sending my son so far away. But ultimately it became clear that it was the best thing. He left and never looked back. He grew and blossomed into the most amazing young man. He’s become well educate, patient, loving and well traveled. He’s biked through Spain and Italy. He’s worked in France and Portugal. He’s lived humbly in Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Wyoming. All of this and tomorrow will be his 20th birthday! What I’ve realized, as I’ve watched all of his accomplishments, is that I never had any closure. He didn’t follow the natural order of how a child leaves the home. Because of this, I feel unsettled about his being gone. But I AM forever proud!
I was SO looking forward to having him “around” this summer. I LOVE what he give his brothers. I LOVE the love he shows me. I LOVE the man that he has grown into. And now I will miss him again.
My Mommy heart is a broken to find out that , in true “man” form, he had decided to do what is best for himself and is going back to Wyoming to work for the summer.
The love a parent feels for a child (of any age) is not something that you can easily describe. But I feel it, 9 times over, and tonight I’m sad for myself. I’m happy to know that I’ve raised a man, but because I didn’t get him for all of the “normal” years of parenting, I morn the loss.
Tonight I am proud and sad.
Doing the Dance of the Children~