Mommy of Many®

Max is smart! Max is determined! Max is incredibly stubborn!

At 9 years old, Max has spent the last 4 years of so letting me know that he “doesn’t ride bikes”. Instead he would scooter like a champ, or he would run. He liked the control of the scooter and that he could easily put his foot to the ground for stability. The thing is, he had great balance and was somewhat of a daredevil. Because of this, I knew, KNEW he could ride a bike. But he was having NONE of it. I do believe he’s owned no less than 4 bikes in these last years, but they all just sat, unridden.

Then something amazing happened. Lex learned to ride a bike. Lex is 5 and came to me a few months ago and announced that it was the day he would learn to ride his bike and asked me to pump up the tires, take off the training wheels and watch him go. So I did…and he did. Max stood on the sidewalk and watched and cheered him on. Lex has been perfecting his riding skills ever since and Max has continued to watch.

That is, until 2 weeks ago when Max came to me with a handwritten note (because I was on the phone) that said, “MOM! I just rode Gabi’s bike with NO help!” That was it! Max had simply made the decision that he DOES ride bikes, got onto his sister’s bike and off he rode. Done! He now has a bike of his own and has had NO trouble riding.

I understand that he just needed to make the decision and be ready and that his fears kept him from trying. I understand that he’s going to have these sorts of markers all along his life and I understand that the very best thing I can do for him is to continue to present him with opportunities to try new things but not push him too hard. There’s a delicate balance in play here. He is completely capable of doing EVERYTHING. Yes, his fine motor skills and his gross motor skills are challenged by his being identified with Aspergers. But even beyond that, it’s his super-brilliant, stubbornness that we’re really going to have to overcome.

I’m so proud of him for this new accomplishment and SO happy to see him SO happy! Now…let’s tackle shoe-tying. Perhaps if he sees Lex do it first~

Doing the Dance of the Children~

A little later today I’ll sit down with several people from Max’s school for an SST meeting to get a 504 plan in place for him. This is such Good Stuff! This means that there will be an actual set of tools in place that move from year to year with him so that each teacher isn’t trying to develop their own system each year. It will help take the guess work out of what works well for him and will help him feel more confident when he has challenging situations in the classroom.

Because Max isn’t academically challenged, he doesn’t qualify for an IEP, so it can be quite challenging to know what makes for a successful Max day in the classroom. I’m excited for moving forward!

Stay posted for more info!

Doing the Dance of the Children~

I thought it would be good to give an update on what’s happening for Max. After writing my last post about him, I received several messages about how to get a 504 plan in place. I didn’t know what this was or how to get it, but the pieces started to fall together and his teacher and I are working together to make sure we keep moving forward on this path. This will help Max and each of his future teachers. Without it, each teacher will have to “figure out” what works and doesn’t work for him. Why put everyone through the frustration when we can take what’s been discovered over the last couple of years and pass it on. Plus, Max needs everyone on board so that every transition to a new grade is smooth.

He’s settling into his new school nicely. He’s got the routine down (doesn’t mean he always follows it), he’s remembering classmates names and is feeling more comfortable interacting with everyone. He’s not always successful in his interactions, but he’s happy to keep trying. Because he has an amazing ability to remember detail, he’s starting to think of certain people and what they may like and he often puts in requests to bring things from home that he thinks people would like. Yesterday he brought an extra snack to school to share with a classmate that he thought would really like that particular thing. I don’t know how it went, but I like that he’s individualizing his classmates.

We had company a couple days ago and there were 2 boys about his age. It went great! They all jumped into “regular” boy play. There was plenty of wapping each other with balloons and horseplay. It was great to see him have a positive experience with new friends, from the beginning!

His school held a cookie dough fundraiser and he got it into his head that he was going to earn a certain prize-A limo ride to a local yogurt shop. This was his singular focus. Sure enough, he approached EVERYONE about buying cookie dough and was a rock-solid salesman until he reached his goal! In a couple of weeks Max will get to take a limo from school and go get yogurt. Whoo Hoo!

One day at a time. One challenge at a time into a successful future!

Doing the Dance of the Children~

Every time I’ve sat down to write about a zillion different topics, my mind wanders to the same one-Max. Max, my brilliant, stubborn, imaginative, frustrating, lil guy who’s locked in a complicated web of ideas, thoughts, outbursts, social struggles, compassion and Aspergers. When he puts his mind to something, amazing things happen and when he’s got his mind locked against something, NOTHING happens. He does best when he’s busy and his mind is working hard on solving problems. But you have to be very careful of how things are presented to him. If he gets an inkling that you’re asking anything extra of him, he will completely shut down and this boy is STUBBORN! But, if something extra is presented as a competition, he’s on it! Oh the games!

I’m frustrated right now because his outbursts are interrupting classroom time, but this is a tough thing to define. There’s no IEP for Max’s “disorder”. He went through the GATE testing, but no GATE classes are available to him.

Just a mommy’s rantings over the frustration of wanting your child to have the best schooling experience possible-one that fits what they need, where they make friends and participate appropriately and are guided where needed and challenged accordingly.

~sigh~

Now that I’m mostly settled in the new house and I know what to expect of my routine, it’s time to seek out what’s going to benefit Max socially and educationally. Sometimes parenting hurts my head.

Doing the Dance of the Children and Looking for the Right Music~

I LOVE this!!!!

Max came home on the 1st day of school and told me about this system in his classroom. His teacher also explained it to me and let me know that Max was already using the “Compliment Card” and the “Breaking News!” forms. In the last couple of days Max has received Compliment Cards from classmates. He’s LOVING this! Even better are the Breaking News! forms, because it enables a kiddo like Max, who has a really tough time NOT speaking his mind the very moment an idea or story pops into his head, to jot down what he has to say and to feel confident that when the teacher or parent who gets the form, has time, they will give it proper attention.

Max’s teacher let me know that he promptly grabbed a stack of each form, to be ready for when he would need them. Today he brought some home so I could utilize this great system at home.

The third form is “Tattling Turtle” and is to be used when a child feels upset about something or is having a problem with someone or something. GREAT! Now, if I can make a zillion copies, wallpaper the walls of my home in them, hand each kiddo a pencil and listen to their closed mouths and scribbling pencils! If only~

Seriously, I love the idea of this program for all kids, not just my super verbal, “I’ve got an idea”, Asperger’s kiddo. I hope he uses the forms at school AND at home and I’m open to my other kiddos using them too!

Here’s to great ideas that bring the hope of a little peace in the home and classroom!

Doing the Dance of the Children and Always Searching for a Better Way~

What a week! Everyday of this life as M.O.M. keeps me Doing the Dance of the Children, but with the start of school, this week held extra Dancing. The first day of school went as smoothly as we could expect when living in an area for only a week and juggling 2 elementary schools that are on the same bell schedule. I got Tristan, Gabi and Lex to their school and Max and I waited outside the classroom with Lex until the teacher came out. All the other parents were full of a mix of emotions. You could see the pride, excitement and that twinge of sadness as their lil ones headed to the line for their first day of being a “big” kindergartener. Me? Well I was anxious for her to hurry up and open the dang door already so I could get Max over to his school on HIS 1st day and not have him be late. Yes, I took pictures, hugged my lil guy and told him what a great time he was going to have, but I was toe-tapping for the moment I could dash out of there. Sure enough, I got Max to his school and everyone was already seated at their desks. ~Sigh~ His teacher knows that I’m single-parenting and juggling 2 elementary schools, so she’s forgiving. Thank goodness!

1st Day 2011-Lex Kinder, Gabi 1st, Max 3rd, Tristan 6th

Lex on his 1st day of Kinder. My lil guy’s a big boy!

Gabi on her 1st day of 1st grade. Beauty!

Lex in front of his classroom, pointing to his name

I have to add that Max is also very forgiving. I was worried when I had to tell him that he was going to be in a separate school from his siblings. But I think the key to having him be ok is giving him as much information as possible and presenting it in a positive way. His teacher seems GREAT! She called me after the 1st day to give me a rundown on how Max did and what she observed. We discussed his particular needs, strengths and challenges. She seems compassionate to his needs and determined to help him have a successful year. I couldn’t ask for more. So far, he seems happy. He has expressed that he wishes he knew more kids, but I know that will come. There have only been 3 days of school, these things take time!

The other kids seem ok too. Lex is happy with his teacher and class. He’s a really easy-going kid and he plays easily with other kids, so I don’t doubt that he’ll make friends quickly and be a happy kindergartener. Gabi says that kindergarten was harder than 1st grade. We’ll see how she feels in a few weeks, but I do know that the curriculum and expectations were more rigorous at the last school. I have mixed feeling about that. Wait, that’s not the truth. The truth is that I’m sad that I can’t give the kids the level of education they’ve become used to. But I can’t beat myself up over it. Even if we stayed in San Diego and even if I wasn’t getting divorced, that education could no longer be afforded. So I have to accept this change and trust that the kids will be ok. At this time it’s all I can do. If things change in the future, I’ll revisit the subject.

That brings me to the 2nd day of school. THAT was a juggling act! I had to leave the night of the 1st day of school so that I could be in San Diego for our settlement hearing the next day. We had come to an agreement the night before, but the trip still had to be taken because papers had to be signed and an appearance still had to be made. I chose to live in this area for many reasons. I didn’t choose this lightly. I weighed cost of living, schools and the fact that I would have a ready-made support system of friends and family in place. That support system proved itself this week! My sister came to stay with the kids overnight and then got them to school the next day. Then my friend, Jen (who has been more than any friend could be expected to be over these last 6 weeks) came to do the pick ups. Once the older girls were home from school (btw-we’ve been plugged into a carpool by a great group of ladies who have stepped up to help me have a little time to get settled. A friend from high school happens to have a high schooler at my girls’ school AND lives in my new neighborhood. She got us set up with a carpool and also walked baked goods over…YES! THAT is Good Stuff!), they took over for the evening and I flew back in late that night. Whew! Doing the Dance for sure!

While I was in San Diego I managed to see several people, get all the important paperwork done, appear in court, run errands and meet up at Costa Brava with friends before heading to the airport. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Costa Brava? No? It was great to pop in for a little while, enjoy some tapas, sangria and wine and be treated to a round of creme brulee shots and my favorite dessert…I’d tell you what it is, but I have NO idea how to spell it. It’s vanilla ice cream with a burnt top, like creme brulee and it sits on a bed of sliced strawberries. YUM! That restaurant is so warm and welcoming! It always feels like a home away from home and the food is Mmmmm! So good! If you haven’t gone, you should!

Great ladies and our round of creme brulee shots

Enjoying that dessert!

I got home late, picked up the house (it’s amazing what 6 kids can do to a place when left alone for the after-school/dinner/bedtime hours) set my alarm for 4:15 and went to bed.

The kiddos were happy to wake up and find me there and ready to get the routine rolling. I made lunches, signed papers and heard all about the girls’ high school classes. Then it was off to school and time for this M.O.M. to tackle more of this house. The kids headed off for a weekend camping trip with their dad and my brother and I tried to get my head around what tasks I should complete while I have no little ones demanding my attention. But first, I went and played Bunco! I’ve been invited to join a group and was happy to get into something social. In the last 2 years, I had really pulled away from all the social activities I was used to being a part of. I’m enjoying jumping in again!

Everything is coming along nicely. We’re settling in and I’m hoping it all starts to feel homey and “regular” soon. I’m EVER grateful to all the wonderful people who have made this transition as smooth as possible. I truly couldn’t ask for better people in my life.

So, I’ve stocked the kitchen, unpacked more boxes, hung more decor and am preparing for a load of dirty, stinky, tired kiddos to arrive at sometime tomorrow. It’ll be my job to clean them up, wash the dirty clothes and convince them to go to bed to be ready for school on Monday morning. Wish me luck!

Doing the Dance of the Children and Grateful For The Music~

There’s been so much going on lately with our move and trying to get settled that I haven’t had much time to focus on the individuality of each of my kids. All in all they’ve done a fantastic job of rolling with it over the last 5 weeks. I was worried about how Max would deal with the uncertainty of the summer. He’s done an excellent job of asking questions and trying to accept the answers. The other day he asked a great question that gave me a little insight into his mind.

We had gone through a Starbucks drive-thru. I ordered my drink and then asked for cups of whipped cream with caramel sauce for the kids. This is something we did about once a week in San Diego, so I didn’t think much of the order. This Starbucks has clearly not been conditioned to me and the kiddos and really wasn’t sure what to do with that order. After they handed everything to me I told the kids that we wouldn’t be doing it anymore, because the barista was clearly unhappy with it. Max asked me how I knew she was unhappy, when she smiled and handed them to me. I had to realize that part of his living with Aspergers means that he doesn’t effectively read body language or social cues. That’s such a big part of society’s normal communication, that it must really be difficult to understand what people mean if you cant’ just trust their words. I explained that when people get uncomfortable or unhappy that the tone of their voice changes, even if they are still smiling and that just because someone says, “ok”, that they may still be unhappy about it. Of course, this led him to ask why they wouldn’t just say, “no”. I explained that people try to make other people happy by saying, “yes” when they don’t really mean it.

It was good to get a little insight into his confusion about people’s behavior and to better understand some of the pieces that are hard for him to process. I’m hoping that he continues to ask questions…WAIT!…It’s Max, he ALWAYS asks questions! I guess what I mean is that that I hope he continues to ask questions that help me better understand him and that get him the answers to some of the tough stuff.

Doing the Dance of the Children~

Yesterday, while we were driving away from the only house Max has ever lived in, he says to me-”Mom, moving is like picking up a handful of acorns and dropping them and watching them all scatter”.

I love the insights into Max’s way of thinking.

Scattered acorns will plant themselves where they fall and become mighty oaks!

Good Stuff~

Max is a thinker. He’s constantly pondering everything and always coming up with the “best” way to get things done. He creates and theorizes in his head continually. There’s nothing he leaves “as is”. To his way of thinking, everything can be improved, everyone can be better and there are clear-cut ways of making this happen. He’s also a talker. So all day long I hear all these thoughts and ideas because he’s sharing them. He asks MANY MANY questions and is always very black and white with things. There’s just no middle ground in Max’s head. There’s right and wrong and nothing else. So one of yesterday’s questions was a real tough one for him to understand;

Max-”Mom, those people who throw knives at people when they’re being spun on a board, if they miss and the person dies, do they still get to go to Heaven?”.

I know this sounds like a funny question, but in Max’s mind he could not understand how someone could choose to participate in an activity where someone could be killed, if it meant it was their fault and ultimately put their soul in jeopardy.

I explained that it isn’t real, that it’s all illusion and trickery and just for show. We went round and round, him telling me that the audience is shown the knives, the front and back of the board and that it is surely real. I further explained that the fact that these performers are able to get the audience to believe it’s real means that they’re really good at what they do, but that no matter, it isn’t real and that no one dies…ever.

Explaining trickery to a kiddo with Aspergers is no easy task! There is no trickery! There is only what is and what isn’t. Try as I might, to explain it all away, I know that Max fell asleep wondering how anyone could do such a thing and risk so much for a performance.

Poor kid! I’ll keep trying to help him see that in life there is surely right and wrong, black and white, but that we often live in shades of grey.

Doing the Dance of the Children~

This morning, I was driving the kiddos to school and Max asked me this, thought-provoking, question;

“How do people just know what to say and what to do, without practicing or rehearsing?”

I asked what he meant and this was his example;

“Like when you’re at a big, fancy dinner and the guy in charge stands up and says, ‘Thank you for coming. Now eat!’ Then they all say ‘Thank you’ and start eating. How did they know to say ‘Thank you’? How do people know what to do and say?”.

Ah ha! This is what I told him;

It’s called learning Social Graces. As you go through life and you go to more events and meet more people, you learn what to say in each situation and then you’re able to take it with you to the next situation. It’s something you learn as you grow and get older because as you move through your life, you have more experiences and learn more things. These are the things that come with time and age. Don’t worry! You’ll learn them. We all do!”.

Then I drove the rest of the way to school and work, thinking of all the situations I’d been in over my lifetime that taught me just what to say or do in different situations and how many many times I fumbled it all and had to learn from feeling awkward and ungracious or ungraceful. Those lessons are tough ones, but we all learn them, piece by piece, situation by situation.

I love that my boy, who’s living with Aspergers, is noticing that there are certain things that people seem to just know and just do and that he wants to learn them, no doubt to help make being in social settings less anxious or even less confusing. I wish I’d understood that I was going to learn as I went and that I was OK not automatically knowing each of the proper things that need to be done in every social situation! I would have certainly had less anxiety and felt a little more at ease. I sure hope he does!

Doing the Dance of the Children and Hoping To Do it With Grace~

Music can be so powerful and a key to many emotions.

Max has always been really in-tune to music. Even as a really small kiddo, he’d let me know if he wanted to hear a song or if it brought up strong emotions and he wanted me to change it. The song “Jamaica Farewell”, sung by Harry Belafonte, was one he had particularly strong feelings about. He’d listened to the words and decided they were just too sad to listen to. Within the first few notes of a song, he knows if it interests him or not.

Recently I decided that when he and I are alone in the car (or at least without the older kids, who don’t enjoy this) that we should play a game-I hit the seek button on the radio and he tells me whether to stop or keep going. What we’ve found is that he really enjoys Jazz, Classical and Big Band music. He’s mostly drawn to music without words. The words seem to get in the way of what the music has to say to him. This is the boy that told me that sometimes if you listen to the wind, you can hear the music in it. So, we’ve been playing this game and when we stop on Jazz or Big Band music, he takes time to listen to each instrument and identify it. He’s actually really good at hearing each of them. And if we stop on a classical piece, he tells me the story as it’s happening.

This has been such a great little game for us that lets Max show me a piece of him that I can appreciate. And amazingly, I’ve noticed that no matter who’s in the car, if we’re listening to classical music, no one complains. Good Stuff!

I will continue to nurture Max’s love of music and after our move I intend to get him back in piano lessons. I think this will be a great way for him to express himself.

Doing the Dance of the Children and Listening to the Music Along the Way~

Yesterday I attended a meeting with Max’s teacher and a panel from the local, elementary school to determine if Max was eligible for an IEP.

At dinner Max was asking how it went. I told him that they were really impressed with his grades and his testing and that they all said that they’d NEVER seen an IQ as high as his before (Max has an IQ of 156). Max got a big smile on his face and said, “is my IQ higher than Tristan’s? (his 11 yr old brother). I told him it was. Then he went on to name a list of people and ask if he had a higher IQ than them and to each one I answered, “yes”. The smile on his face was huge and he giggled and said;

“Ha! Who knew Asperger’s was gonna be such a GOOD thing?!”

I joined him in happy laughter and agreed.

Doing the Dance of the Children~

Now that Max has been tested and has been identified as having Asperger’s, the next step is to have him meet with a Student Study/Support Team (SST) at a local public school. This has been set up and a panel of people, including his current teacher and me, will meet with Max and then discuss what resources are available to him and whether or not he’s eligible for an IEP (Individualized Education Plan).

Forward. Ever forward!

The meeting is tomorrow. I’ll be sure to write about the outcome. I’m so grateful for the swiftness with which we are getting these things done and I hope that it means we are on track for success!

Doing the Dance of the Children One Step At a Time~

Oh Max!

I’ve come to expect an argument whenever I give Max directions. He wants to either explain why he didn’t carry out the instructions or how they should be carried out in a better (his) way. I’ve come up with phrases to let him know the conversation is over and he’s expected to go carry out the directions as I gave them. I’ll say, “That’s it. It’s not up for debate.” or “It’s not up for discussion.”

Last Night I told him to go take a shower and get ready for bed. After the shower he came out in his clothes. When I asked him why he put his clothes back on and reminded him that he was supposed to be in pajamas he answered that I had only told him to take a shower and that if I looked at the clock I’d see that it wasn’t, yet, bedtime. I varied my phrase and said, “I’m not going to argue this with you. I won’t mince words. Just go get your pi’s on.”

Max-”Mince words? How can you mince words? Doesn’t that mean to cut something up?”

*smacking my head*

Me-”Yes it does. Good job on knowing that. Now go get your pj’s on. It’s not up for debate”.

I should know better than to introduce anything new while I’m trying to make a point with this very analytical, brilliant boy!

Doing the Dance of the Children~

I decided to put a new tab on the site.

You’ll now find a tab for Asperger’s. As I was reading through older posts, I realized I’d been chronicling our journey since last year, but didn’t know what I was facing. Those posts and anything that will directly pertain to Max’s education and what the family and I learn as good tools will appear there.

It was interesting for me to go back and see how school (1st grade) was such a struggle and we just couldn’t figure out why-Stubborness? Poor dynamic with the teacher? Depression? I’m so grateful for Max’s teacher, this year, who has been so dedicated to helping Max and finding out exactly what his strengths and weaknesses are and helping me to get the answers we now have!

More to come.

Onto better things for Max and all of us!

Doing the Dance of the Children~