Mommy of Many®

Here is the conversation Max and I had right before his last counseling appointment;

Max-”Mom, can I ask you something?”
Me-”Sure”
Max-”So, about that Asperger’s thing…Do I have it?”
Me-”Well, all the tests you took have come back and, yes, it shows that you do.”
Max-”I thought so but I was hoping not.”
Me-”But that’s why we’re here, to get better tools for all of us to help know how to do things the best way for you. That way being in school won’t be so hard. But don’t worry! You’re still the same YOU.”
Max-Gave me a big hug and just smiled.

Later that afternoon he asked if I would call all his classmates parents and tell them so they could explain it to their kids so that the kids could understand. I assured him that I would let his teacher have all the test results and that she would be able to help his classmates understand better.

As you can see, I’m making sure to keep the communication with Max open. I don’t want him sitting around and wondering what’s going on. Hopefully this will make all our future steps easier and more clear.

Doing the Dance of the Children~

Prizes. Rewards. Treats. Extra Food.

All these good things are worked for/desired/asked for by most kiddos. If you offer something special it’s going to grab their attention. My 8 yr old is certainly no exception!

But lately I’ve noticed that he shows up to the van, after school, with something “special” almost everyday. I’m learning to clue into this phenomenon and ask lots of questions.

We’ve just recently gotten the test results back that show that he falls quite strongly into the Aspergers Spectrum. This has opened my eyes and ears in new ways. While I’ve always known my own child’s tendencies, I’m realizing that because of some of his social challenges that he doesn’t pick up on all the normal cues that other children give. Now when he shows up with something “special” and says that someone has given it to him, I have to run through a list of questions to get down to the nitty gritty of EXACTLY why someone “gave” him something special. This is exhausting! Not only is it exhausting, I worry that he thinks I don’t trust him. I’m learning a delicate dance of finding out the EXACT facts and helping him understand that I don’t want anyone to be angry with him and that I’m just checking.

Today he showed up with a kite. He had talked about this kite a few days ago and had said that he hoped to earn it for Lex (his 5yr old brother). When I saw it I immediately asked how he got it. When he told me that a classmate had earned it and in turn had given it to him to give to his little brother, my Mommy Gauges went into overdrive. “Grab it and lets go find him”. Where my words.

“But Mom! He really DID give it to me.”

“Oh, I’m sure he did. I just want to make sure that he meant to. I don’t want someone to be upset about their decision to give away their special prize.”

Long story short-we found the classmate with his mom and he confirmed that he, did in-fact, give the kite to be given to Lex.

Ok then. Thanks were passed to the kiddo and we headed back to your van. I made sure to let Max know that I was proud of him for thinking of his little brother and that I really wanted to make sure that no one ended up upset.

A delicate dance indeed!

I guess I’ll just keep double checking.

Doing the Dance of the Children and Learning the Steps as I Go~

Normal-it’s what we all strive for. It’s what we’re “supposed” to be. It’s all the people around us-or so we perceive. Normal is what my kids said today’s lunches were, because I included cheese puffs (never mind that they were wheat free, gluten free, contain no corn syrup or msg) and trail mix.

Normal-we all think it’s pretty important.

Well, it’s what I’m needing to let go of. I chuckle at myself for even saying that because, really, when have I EVER been “normal”? I’m the oldest of 9 children, I was a single, teen mom and have gone on to have a grand total of 9 children of my own. None of that fits society’s views of “normal”.

But surely my kids are normal. They’re all good-looking, read just fine, present themselves in a “normal” fashion when out-and-about, play sports and go to private schools where, if anything, everyone is normal or above normal. Geesh! Normal is certainly what my kids are.

Yeah right! As I’m being forced into clearer vision and thinking, I realize that my kids have always been slightly outside the societal norm. My oldest has chosen to pursue all of her higher education in faith-based schools-certainly not the norm for most. My oldest son struggled mightily with what “normal” was supposed to be. He always had strong ideas on what was right and what was wrong and that you should always be choosing to do what was right. I look back, with a heavy heart when I think of a note he wrote in 6th grade, telling his father and I that he was grateful for the Catholic education he was receiving, but that he was really having a very hard time with not having any friends. We encouraged him and pushed him through. He struggled with grades because of poor handwriting and downward-spiraling self esteem. He became angry and aggressive. And then God stepped in and introduced us to the right environment and peer group for him and within a few months he became happy, full of life and by all means, “normal” once again. Hmmm, environment changed everything. Changing our perception of where he “should” be or what sports he “should” be playing and trusting that we couldn’t provide all the answers, changed his whole life.

I could go on down the line, describing each of my children and the ways in which I perceive them as “normal” and the ways in which they are so much more than that. But really, I now need to focus on my 7th child. My 8yr old son.

I look back to bringing him home after his birth and how sensitive he was to all his environmental stimuli. He was coming to a home with 6 older siblings. 6 boisterous, outspoken and noisy siblings and this didn’t work well for him. Every time someone yelled or ran through the house with happy screeches, he would shake and cry. He couldn’t sit in the baby swing. The movement seemed to terrify him. TERRIFY! He only slept if he was directly on me or swaddled in my blanket or clothing (I learned to cover him in things that smelled of me). I asked questions of people I knew who worked in special education or had children with challenges of their own. But little by little we all seemed to develop coping mechanisms. I noticed that he started to become noisy if everything around him was noisy. I learned to tell him to look me in the eye when I was giving him directions and to have him repeat what I’d said. I learned to assign a number to each task and ask him to go through the numbers. I learned that riding a bike was frightening for him but that he could ride a scooter like nobody’s business. I learned that his fine-motor skills were low for his age and we stopped trying to buy shoes with laces. So, we learned to try to make it through each day with a minimum of challenge. But not everyone is his mom and not everyone is so accommodating or patient (I use “patient” loosely when describing myself) and he started to have real challenges in the classroom last year. He couldn’t grasp the concept of getting things done in a certain timeframe. His thoughts on any given subject were too big for the classroom discussions and he just can’t NOT say what’s going through his head. So he became frustrated at not completing things on time and with the fact that he has poor handwriting and he just decided to give up on doing the work all together. He started hiding his work or destroying it. This meant that his grades plummeted and he was put on academic probation. ~sigh~ It was just a downward spiral. Then he started 2nd grade. New teacher, new year. And she worked REALLY REALLY hard with him. We kept our communication open and discussed various ways to help him function within the classroom setting and finally we discussed getting him into counseling so that he could have better tools to draw from to perform successfully. His grades have been up. He’s not hiding work. Both the teacher and I, realized that he is more than capable with any of the work placed before him.  All in all, it’s a better year. But through the open communication between teacher, parent and counselor, it was suggested (strongly) that he be tested for Asperger’s. While I wasn’t totally surprised, I was challenged. I cried for 3 days. Not for myself, but for my child who possibly needed something more, something different and had been pushed through with the hope that he would finally “get it”. I spoke with a couple people and then had the testing scheduled.

We don’t have a full report back yet, but I’ve been given a partial report and he seems to fall, quite solidly, in the spectrum for Asperger’s. Yesterday I was told that according to the tests, he has an IQ of 156 (I placed a link here because until yesterday, I didn’t know what any IQ scores meant and am betting that most people are in the same boat I was) and that it’s suggested that he be placed in a more challenging school environment. This is where I have to fall back on what I learned with my older son (who was never tested for an “disorders” and has no diagnosis of any) about trusting that environment makes all the difference and where I have to let go of “normal”. I want what’s best for each of my kids. But I’m also having a tough time letting go. I will continue to read, research, talk and learn and I will continue to be human and fight my own ideas of “normal”. And, you can bet I’ll be talking about the whole thing as it unfolds.

Doing the Dance of the Children~

Max is going to go far in this world. He doesn’t let much stop him and he has his own ideas about how to get things done.

A couple days ago I found out that the lunches we’ve been packing aren’t sufficient to keep him going at school. His solution? He’s been eating his lunch at snack time and running a tab with the lunch truck.

Gotta love a kid who takes care of business. Anyone wanna pick up that tab?

Here’s to Doing the Dance of the Children~

I wanted to take a minute to address some of the comments I’ve received about the on-going issue of undone school work and my kiddo who isn’t happy with school. I’ve had several thought-provoking responses and I think they deserve to be responded to.

In my 21 years of parenting I have approached schooling in many ways. I’ve had children in public schools and in the private school system.  There was also a time when we were frequently moving because of military orders and it made sense to take schooling into my own hands at some points during those moves. There have been issues with the way a child learns or how to best help them glean the knowledge that’s within all those text books and I chose to bring a child home for a year and 1/2 to try to find the holes in their learning, plug them and get the child back into the classroom setting. We’ve worked with tutors and learning centers along the way. In my journey through parenting and schooling I’ve had to face something head on-when choosing to homeschool, both the child AND the parent have to be considered. I have had to be honest enough with myself to face the fact that I am not a parent that is well-suited to homeschooling. I have neither the time nor the space to give it the solid attention that I desire and that it deserves. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow. I have had friends and acquaintances throughout all of my years of parenting who have done a very good, successful and solid job of schooling their children. I have had to realize that it is not for everyone and just because I have a child or a situation that isn’t particularly suited to the traditional classroom setting, doesn’t automatically mean that the answer is for me to become the child’s teacher. Believe me, I have tried this, been successful (enough) at it and still had to accept that it’s not for me.

Many kudos to those that have done and are taking on this immensely, important task in their children’s lives. I TRULY wish I could join you. But we must all face our strengths and weaknesses, be honest about them and then work from there.

Many of you have suggested that my child who is having such a tough time at school and within the structure of the classroom, be home schooled. You have suggested I look at all the people, throughout history who have contributed great things to our world and how they didn’t fit, well, into the traditional settings of school. Thank you. I do see this. I will have to weigh all my options while leaving homeschooling out of the equation.

As for my meeting with the teacher…it could have gone better. I understand that she is just as frustrated as I am with what we are seeing. However, I give her credit for seeing that this isn’t an issue of work that is too difficult-it’s not the curriculum, but an issue of learning to work within the structured environment. I know that some of you are of the opinion that it isn’t particularly necessary for my child (or any child) to HAVE to learn to do this. On this point, we disagree. I feel that it’s important because in all the stages of our lives and in all we must do to be successful, functioning parts of our society require us to learn to work within the perimeters of that structure. We get to choose our outlets, whether they be sports, music or art, where we are able to find the way in which we like to use our time and let our thoughts be free-flowing, but there is always going to be the job that we must go to and the way in which that job must be functioned. If a child doesn’t learn to work within a structured environment and under time constraints, I don’t see how they can fully function, successfully as an adult, in society.

Thank you for all your suggestions and thoughts. I will continue to try to find the best way to give my child the tools needed to become a happy and successful student and growing kiddo.

Onto this day and Doing the Dance of the Children~

A while back I talked about finding many, MANY pages of undone or partially done school work under one of my children’s beds. This happens to be the same child who is hating school. After making the kiddo climb under the bed and pull out all the papers and letting them know that they would be brought into the teacher and we would discuss how and when to get them all done, I figured the problem was over. Shortly after that, the teacher let me know that she had found several undone papers crumpled in the back of this child’s desk. We, again, made a plan for getting the work done-some of which no longer counted toward grades.

After having met with the teacher and my child and talking about the importance of the work and that if help was needed, all they needed to do was ask, I made the decision to change the way this child did homework and made sure that they were accompanied at the table, over each piece of work. So, since January, this child comes home, gets a snack and then sits down with someone and is guided through the homework that’s been presented from the back pack. Apparently even THIS isn’t a sufficient enough way of doing things to keep the child on task, because 2 days ago I received an envelope of papers and a note. Yep, more crumpled papers in the back of the desk!

So, last night I pulled all the papers out and organized them into piles. There was a total of 46 undone or partially done worksheet pages representing all of the subjects being studied. There’s the pile of “Done but not turned in” (I still don’t understand why that’s happening). There’s the pile of “Is this too old to matter?”. And finally the pile of “Completely not touched and needs to be tackled”. I wrote a note for each pile and am taking them into the teacher today to have her glance through and let me know that she wants each item taken care of.

~sigh~

This whole thing is making me crazy. Yes, I’ve sat and talked with my child. I’ve asked all the questions and offered all the help. I’ve taken the steps to make sure guidance is in place. I’ve done everything short of sitting in the classroom with them. Is that next?! Am I ultimately headed back to grade school?! I know, I know…just a little bit of being dramatic there.

Ok, getting the kids going for this new day of school and going in to talk with the teacher…again.

Prayers and well wishes appreciated!

Have a great day~

~Sigh~

One of my kiddos truly hates school. Every Sunday they look at me and say,”I know what tomorrow is…the worst day of the week.” The work curriculum isn’t a problem. Friends aren’t a challenge. They just, truly hate having to go and sit in a structured environment and complete work in a given time-frame. This particular child is a big thinker and is always thinking of a better way to do things or a better way to build things and can get lost in thoughts of planning and inventing and building for a long time.

The teacher and I have had several meetings and have come up with all sorts of ideas to help this child look at the whole thing differently. But each plan has failed. I’ve got someone working with them to see if we can find better tools for them to succeed inside the perimeters of the school day and the classroom structure. But that takes time and the school year is speeding toward it’s finishing point.

I’ve had another child who felt this same way and was just as lost in thought and they are now a successful High School Senior who is headed off to college in the Fall. I’m hoping they will have something to offer their younger sibling to help change all these feelings.

Anyone been here? What did you do?

Have a great day~