Category — encouragement

I am now on my 5th teenager. I have one kiddo that is through the teens and onto the 20’s and 4 who are solidly in the teen years. And the #1 thing I’ve learned about teens is that you can not…let me repeat…can not make a teen do something they have decided not to do. Sure, you can deliver consequences for their actions or lack there of, but if they’ve decided not to come off the roof because they are angry at you, you can not MAKE them come down. Yes, you could climb onto the roof and push them off or drag them down, but I don’t recommend that. If they’ve decided they aren’t going to get out of bed and go to school, you can not, in fact, MAKE them get out of bed, get dressed and go to school. You CAN drag them out of bed, try your darndest to dress them yourself and force them into the car, lock the door and speed out of the driveway. But along the way, if there’s a stop sign…they can jump out. I think you get what I’m saying.

As I look back on being a teen myself, I shouldn’t be surprised by having learned this lesson. I distinctly remember standing in my parent’s kitchen and having the thought, “they can’t actually MAKE me do anything. They can yell at me. They can ground me. They can fine me or refuse to take me somewhere. Heck, they can kill me. But I still won’t have done the dishes”. Dang! Knowing that I thought that way, I shouldn’t be surprised at the stubbornness I sometimes encounter in my teens.

What you CAN do…wait it out. If they’re on the roof and it’s going to get cold and dark, they will come down…especially if you aren’t demanding that they come down. If they won’t get out of bed for school, take the phones, turn off the internet and go about your day. I’m serious! The less attention you give to the behavior the quicker it disappears. Of course, if it becomes chronic then intervention will be needed, but I’m talking about the occasional defiant action. You don’t want your teen to become a truant or to live on the roof and if the dishes aren’t getting done at all, then, yes, something besides ignoring their defiance needs to be done. I’ve found that if I just let them have their strong-willed outburst and then say “no” to the next couple of things they ask to do, it gets the message across.

Bottom line…teens can be tough! Even the very best, most studious and polite kiddos can decide to rear their defiant heads. I’m encouraging you, as the parent of a teen, to take a deep breath, silently decide what the consequence will be, let them finish their defiance and then deliver the consequence. I’ve found it saves a lot of yelling.

Have a great day~

This question recently came from one of my readers. With her permission, I thought I’d share it and my answer;

Hi. So I’m asking for M.O.M advice. I know a lot of big families but they either have all small kids or they tend not to be involved in as many activities as my kids. Yours seem to be in a lot of stuff, too, so here’s the question. Or problem. Mine are driving me absolutely nuts with the last minute stuff. I forgot my… I have rugby practice… I need a…. This morning at 6:20 my son informed me that he needs a flash drive because he lost his a long time ago. But he needs it today. He knew I went to staples last night. Then, he forgot his rugby stuff. Which means that I have to drive it to him instead of him getting a ride to rugby.

Here’s the thing: If I stop them from going to sports because they forgot their added practice or gear, I feel like I’m punishing the team, not them. But I’m trying to get them all over the planet and work… So I’m being punished.

Any advice?

Laura

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Yeah, I’ve been there (and still am from time to time). I totally understand what you mean about punishing the team. But…the kids key into that quickly and understand that you’re not willing to let the team down, so they’re off the hook. So, sit them down and tell them (I like to tell them things AND have it in writing so that they understand it’s not going away) that the next time that you have to run around because of their forgetfulness or mismanagement of time, that you are going to give them an extra chore that they can pick from a list of extra chores (make it something substantial, that doesn’t usually get done, but that you REALLY WANT to get done). If it happens again, after an extra chore has been given, then tell them that they will be fined (this is IF they have $. A teen’s $ is usually hard enough earned that they don’t want to have to relinquish it for something that isn’t what they WANT). IF it happens AGAIN after that (make sure you keep track) then they lose the privilege of the sport for the day/week/one game…you decide. BUT, they will have had PLENTY of advance warning, so it’ll be THEIR decision to let the team down. AND let them know that they will have to give the coach (and team, if you choose) an apology for letting them down and tell them why it happened. This all puts the ball in their court. They have plenty of advance notice of what the cause and effect are and the decision is theirs.

That’s my advice. It’s hard to make them accountable for their actions, but it can be done.

Good luck!

As Thanksgiving approaches and the stores and ads are filled with all the shopping enticements, I’m having to spend a little extra effort keeping myself focused on what’s important and what the spirit of the Holiday Season is really all about. I’ve already found myself in moments of feeling down because I can’t do things a certain way or fulfill particular gift wishes. This season really requires balance and focus! I look around and I want to get caught up in all the frenzy of shopping myself into oblivion and then feel overwhelmed because I know that I can’t. Then I have to take a big, deep breath and remember all that’s in front of me. The beautiful people who touch the lives in my family each day. The friends who step forward to lend a hand. The kind and thoughtful gifts that are brought on random days, just because. The people who have shared their time and talent with my family. I have to think of our health and the fact that everyone is safe and free to speak their mind. I need to remember that each member of my family will be together on Christmas and that it isn’t about what’s going to be under the tree or in the stockings but the fact that the feeling of the season will be alive.

The media and stores work hard to get us to forget all of that! They bring on a HUGE guilt trip if we can’t fulfill our every desire. After-all, it’s the Holiday season, it’s about shopping our pockets inside out.

I’m just trying to keep reminding myself that the important thing about this season that’s upon us is the beauty in our lives, how we live and seeing the blessings in each day. I challenge each of you to keep focused and to enjoy the true spirit of this time.

Have a great day~

This day, this day. What a day. Ever had one that is just wrong from the moment you get going until you just, plain call is quits?

We are driving Mariah to her carpool each morning, which means we leave the house at 7 am. This is a huge task! We normally leave at 7:30 and none of us has adjusted well to the loss of 1/2 an hour. Today, there was much dragging of feet, forgetting to brush teeth and losing of shoes. We left 10 minutes late and with no shoes for Tristan. I really didn’t have a plan for how that was all gonna work itself out. We started to drive to meet her carpool and called along the way. Yep, missed them! Through clenched teeth I said that I’d make some phone calls, focus on getting Tristan some shoes and figure it all out. I called work to let them know I would get the majority of the kiddos to the school they go to and that I work at and then would have to drive Mariah up to her school. I then made a call to see if a pair of shoes might be able to meet Tristan at school. No dice! I headed to Target…it was 7:30 am and they don’t open until 8. AHHHHHHH! I made another call in hopes of shoes meeting Tristan at school. BINGO! Ok, off to the school. Mariah was offered a ride, albeit late, to school, from the school we were heading to. Big breath! This just may all work out.

After much discussion, we decided that Mariah would stay with me and help out in the preschool because getting to school late, on a short day of testing, really wouldn’t serve any purpose. So…extra hands at school today. This actually worked out very well. Mariah is truly wonderful with preschoolers. Who knew?!

Oh…the shoes! We were, graciously, met in the school parking lot, with a perfect-fitting pair of shoes for Tristan.

After making it through the preschool day (one potty accident on Lex’s part) I took Mariah to a sushi lunch and then headed to the grocery store. My basket was full when my phone rang…preschool was calling…another potty accident for Lex and even though there were extra clothes available, he had no extra shoes to replace the pee-soaked ones he was now wearing. Off I went to the preschool to pick up Gabi and Lex, bring them home and then head back to get the other kids, after volleyball practice. Weeeeeeee!

On my way, I received another phone call. This time it was a friend letting me know that a dear woman, who I’ve loved and admired for her strength, faith, compassion and love had passed away. Whew….! The story behind this is a blog unto itself and when I find the right words, I will write it. But needless to say, I had an emotional rest of the day.

So, here I am, counting my blessings and reflecting on the people who have touched my life and the precious moments that are within each day…even the challenging ones. I’m taking a big breath, having a glass of wine and being thankful for all that I got to live today.

Live!

Good night~

Back in December, I was inspired to start working out.  I’d lost 30 lbs over the year and it was time to tone.  I got it in my head that I’d start by walking to the beach and back with the 2 little ones in my Phil and Ted’s (LOVE that stroller and could go on and on about it, but shouldn’t get unfocused with the topic at hand!).  I did it!…..once!  Then I did a bunch of lamenting and excuse-making.  But now, NOW I’m jumping in! I made sure all was up-to-date with my YMCA membership, I laid out the calendar and the class schedules and I made a plan.  I’ve even gotten the kids involved and the older ones can workout as well.  We all love being active and always feel so much better when we are. So, this week, I started by taking a class that had me hobbling around for 3 days after. Really, it kicked me in the rear, HARD! But I went back.  I opted for the water for the rest of the week, to try to ease the effects of using muscles I had completely forgotten about.  I’ve felt great (although a little tired) and being in the water has even got me looking tan.  Whoo Hoo! Now to keep it up!  There’s really no reason not to! I pay for the membership every month and it includes child care (ok, I’ve been known to actually GO to the Y, put the kiddos in the child care and do paperwork) so now it’s time to use it. 

A little cheering on might just go a long way (hinting shamelessly).

Have a great, summer day!

What you see above is the scene I came home to after a morning at the dentist with one of the kiddos.  I was informed that white out had been used to draw on the table AND the wall.  With much scrubbing the table is now clean but the wall….the WALL!  The newly painted, beautiful wall?!  It’s not coming off.  I’m so angry!  You know what?!  It’s not that I’m even angry about the stupid wall.  Yes, that can be fixed with the extra paint that’s in the garage.  I’m angry that Max has been up to all these antics.  Ok, the cereal bowl was cute, but what’s going on in his lil head these days?  

~Big breath~

I know the end of the school year was tough for him and I know he is missing Clay.  I know these things.  I know children act out in different ways, but it’s starting to get to me.  I make sure he gets phone time and even face time with Dad, via Skype. I’m giving him lots of hugs and kisses and trying to ask “why?” when he’s doing something naughty.  I guess all I can do is ride it out and hope that being home for the summer and the influence of his big brothers will be enough to pull him out of this time.  

Ugh!  

I think today it’s all of you that need to wish ME the great day~

Sometimes I have to take a minute to remind myself of the beauty all around me.  Today I opened the sunroof and drove to the water.  There’s nothing like the smell of the ocean and the feeling of it’s breezes!  Taking just a few moments to revel in something that makes me so happy and fills something inside me, opened the door for a beautiful rest of the day!

I hope that today you can each find a  moment to visit something that reminds you of the beauty in this life.

Have a great day!~

This has been quite a week!  I thought I was going to have lots of time between scheduling my surgery and actually having the surgery.  In the short time between finding out that I will be going in next week and now, I’ve come to realize that the time frame is a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for listening to the show and for visiting the site.  Your questions and comments are always welcome!

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 MOM 57 [10:42m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (76)

There are times in life when everything just seems to fall into place.  This trip to Washington is one of those.  My friend, Pilar, and I planned this trip a couple of months ago.  When I found out I would be having surgery next week, I thought I should probably cancel the trip.  After giving it a little more thought, I realized it was the PERFECT time to get away, have some fun and take some time out for thought and reflection.  Yesterday was our FUN time!  We went to Seattle and had THE BEST day!  It was full of laughter, good food and beautiful scenery.  I couldn’t have asked for a better day!  Here are a few pics to share-

we had a great lunch at Max’s at the Marketplace

We enjoyed the fish market

We were silly enough to have our picture taken on a big, brass pig

One of the things I really wanted to do in Seattle was to go to the original Starbucks.  Heck, I’m at my local Starbucks at least once a day and I felt like I’d be making a pilgrimage.

Today has been a relaxing day with time built in for thought and reflection.  I need a little time to make sure I have thought out all the things I wanted to question before I go in for this surgery.  I feel very fortunate to have people in my life to make that possible!  A thank you to Clay for keeping the kiddos while I got away and a thank you to Pilar for offering me her “sanctuary” as a place to unwind and be a little bit pampered.  I’m not so sure how I feel about her making me leave my phone downstairs, though.  She was serious when she said I was to relax and reflect!

Tomorrow, I will wrap up my vacation and head home.

Thank you for all the words of encouragement and the kind thoughts and prayers!  They are all so appreciated!

Have a great day~

It’s always amazing to me how things fall together!  

About 2 months ago, I made plans to go to Washington state to visit my friend, Pilar.  When all of my surgery news fell in my lap I thought that I should cancel my trip.  But, I now see that it’s the perfect time for me to have a few days away to gather my thoughts and tie up any loose ends.  

So, today I am trying to get things in order for my family, pack and go to my pre-op apt.  Busy day, but it’s a blessing in disguise because it keeps me from over-thinking.  Then, I’ll board the plane and have a few days to really get my head around everything and to make any plans for the kids that haven’t been made.  The trip ends up coming at the PERFECT time!  

I really appreciate everyone who’s sent messages about their own experiences with hysterectomy.  What a great network!  

Have a great day~

In the last month I’ve said that the new year was going to bring change to the Lang Clan and that I’d talk about it as we went along.  I’ve let you know about Clay’s orders for a year to Iraq.  Now it’s time to touch on another subject.  I’ve been waiting to talk about this because I wanted more info before I presented it.  Now I have the info and dates I need.

For the last few months I’ve been talking to doctors and having ultrasounds and appointments because of endometriosis.  It’s something I’ve dealt with since JJ was born,but our children have been close enough together that the symptoms had been curbed.  I’ve been on hormone therapy twice, when we had bigger spaces and the symptoms would come back.  When I stopped nursing Luke-Xavier, back in August, I noticed that my pain came back.  Over the last 5 months everything has picked up rather quickly.  After speaking with my doctor and having my options laid out before me, I’ve made the decision to have a hysterectomy.  I made this decision based on knowing that Clay is going to be gone for a year, that my symptoms have rapidly gotten worse and knowing that I need to be whole and healthy for myself and my children while I am the primary caregiver.  BUT, I thought I would have my appointment yesterday and then have a month or so to prepare myself, emotionally and mentally.  Nope!  I am having surgery next Tues.  That’s right!  So much for any preparing or planning!  After 20 hours of emotional highs and lows, I am getting my head around it all and can see that sooner is better.  With Clay leaving in May, we need to be able to have me recover and feel strong and healthy before we are dealing with all the emotions and paperwork of his leaving.  

When I say I’m Doing the Dance, I mean it!  There is always some sort of Dance to be done over here!  

Since finding out about all of this and getting the word out, I have to say that I am amazingly blessed with the people in my life!   I have women from my spouse’s club, women from the neighborhood, women from bible study, women from school and even moms of my older kid’s friends, offering to help.  Wow!  I know that everything will go as planned and that I will be fine and that my family will be fine.  I will take you along the journey with me and let you know how this all plays out.  It’s a new phase of my life!  

If any of you have had this experience I’d love to hear about it!  Please share!

Have a beautiful  and blessed day~

This week I talk about being a new mom who’s made the decision to breastfeed.  Even though there are a ton of books that have been written on the subject and a wealth of advice and knowledge that comes to new moms from family and friends, I find that there are still some basic questions that go unanswered.  A wonderful resource for all breastfeeding questions is La Leche League

Thank you for visiting the site and for listening to the show.  You questions, comments and show ideas are always appreciated.

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 MOM 56 [15:37m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (69)

Sometimes you just have to stand up and blow your horn.  We all do things we feel good about, that make us remember who we are.  We are more than any of the labels we each wear, even though our labels are important and help define us.  Every once in awhile you get a moment to grab onto and live in that makes you beam.  Yesterday I was the lucky owner of one of those moments.  I was able to buy the January issue of Military Spouse Magazine which happened to contain my very first, published column in it.  Buying that magazine and remembering that I do something other than pack lunches, wash clothes, wipe noses and bottoms, drive kiddos in a million directions, etc. gave me a feeling I wish I could harness.  It’s easy to forget that my daily grind isn’t who I am.  

Today, I’m hoping you can each find a moment to remember that even though your labels are important, that somewhere (often deep-down) inside, there’s YOU.

Have a great day~

After 9 years of holding onto some stubborn “baby weight”, I’m finally having some success with shedding the pounds. Now it’s time to make a commitment to working out, getting healthier and feeling great!

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 MOM 51 [11:04m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (68)

In the fast-paced, busy world of being a mom it’s easy to lose track of yourself. After 7 months of focusing on the kids and the house and another month of getting used to having Clay back, it was time for me to remember that I need a little “me” time. I was able to take a 4-day trip to Northern California to visit family and friends and gather my thoughts. As moms we wear many hats and can’t always get away, but we need to remember that it’s always important to find a way to nurture ourselves, even when at home. I feel strongly that part of that nurturing process is having a good community of people in your life. Take the time to make and keep connections with other moms who share your ideals. A good support system and strong community help build a stronger you and the stronger and more whole you are, the better you can be for your family!

Thank you for visiting the site and for listening to the show! I appreciate your comments and suggestions. You can email me at Jen@MommyofMany.com or by using the contact link on the right.

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 MOM 50 [13:34m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (189)